Smiling up at me as she breastfeeds… Years of joy, sadness, relief, and grief. What a privilege!

As I sit here holding my 6-month-old rainbow baby, leading up to what will be our first Christmas together, I can’t help but think about the years that have got us to this point and what an important role Herts & Essex Fertility Centre played in all of it, but not just with regards to the science stuff!

 

I have wanted children since I was in my early 20’s but I never met a partner who would step up to the plate. So in my late 30’s, I was beginning to think about alternative paths. I had always said that if I couldn’t have children naturally then I would adopt.

 

I did a little research around adoption but when I was introduced to a solo mum by choice (SMC) that had adopted, I suddenly realised I hadn’t just dreamt about having a child, I had dreamt about carrying my own child. Something clicked that day and within 24 hours I was looking up fertility clinics knowing that I needed to try and have a child on my own.

 

I booked onto the open evening, which felt like a big thing to do, but I was made to feel very welcome. I remember it was Sophie’s first week at the clinic. Little did we know then that she would continue to be a friendly face throughout my journey.

 

As one of 10 children I had hoped the apple might not fall too far from the tree and I wasn’t far off when I fell pregnant after just one round of IUI. I remember leaving the clinic after my 7-week scan, thinking how lucky I was that I didn’t need to come back.

 

Sadly this was just the beginning of my fertility journey. I had a wonderful pregnancy and despite being pregnant through Covid, I absolutely loved it. I went into labour at 40+5 days, when my daughter, Nina, was born. However, sadly and very unexpectedly, she was extremely poorly and passed away three days later.

 

Unbelievably through my grief, I kept having thoughts about wanting to try for another child and within 6 months I came back to Herts & Essex.

 

For me, this is where the staff came into their own. The care and support I received from the moment I stepped back into the clinic from every member of staff I came across was amazing. They all knew what had happened and as a grieving mother, it was a relief not to have to explain anything. I went on to have two more rounds of IUI which did not work, so we moved to IVF, I did three rounds of IVF, the first two ended in miscarriages and the third is smiling up at me as she breastfeeds ❤

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My daughters’ arrival is, in part, thanks to Abha who wanted to try a different approach for me, following my miscarriages, so thank you, Abha. But let that not take away from the treatment David put in place to help me get pregnant the three times before that!

 

So, whilst it has not been an easy journey by any means. I felt like the staff were with me every step of the way. As an SMC I needed to know that someone had my back and they truly did. I really felt that everyone was routing for me and that made such a difference to the care I received and at times it was pretty testing with the layer of grief on top of the usual anxieties surrounding IVF.

 

So thank you to everyone who held my hand, smiled, hugged me, or gave me words of encouragement. Thank you for seeing me through my tears of joy, sadness, relief, and grief.

 

I still have a top-quality embryo in the freezer, but for now, I am very grateful every day when she wakes up and smiles at me.

 

What a privilege!